Before Freethoughtable.
Before I started shoving a bright light into the faces of systems, language, and the strange ways we humans try to organize reality into tidy boxes, there was a period of my life when I was completely consumed by craft beer styles.
Not casually interested.
Obsessed.
I had invested thousands of dollars in homebrewing equipment. I immersed myself in the Beer Judge Certification Program guidelines like they were sacred texts—styles, histories, tasting notes, off-flavors.
I survived a ridiculously arduous process and earned the title of Certified Cicerone. Why? Because, at the time, I was certain I wanted to work in the craft beer industry.
Apparently, I didn’t.
And the certification? Mostly an expensive artifact from a version of me that no longer exists. I still have the Certified Cicerone pin and certificate somewhere around here.
But something from that period survived in a way I didn’t expect.
I once took the entire BJCP beer style taxonomy and reduced it to haiku. All twenty-one of them. A haiku for each major beer style family. I published them on my blog—a blog dedicated to Ohio craft beer (whose name is lost to time)—slowly over six months. As if this were a perfectly reasonable way for an adult man to spend his time.
Looking back, it seems silly. But it feels less like a beer project and more like an early symptom of the thing I do here: taking complex systems and trying to compress them into something human.
What I didn’t realize at the time is that these haiku accidentally preserved a snapshot of the BJCP as it existed then. The older guidelines grouped beer into broad, memorable families. Later revisions would explode these into far more granular styles and substyles. More precise. More complicated. Less poetic.
Turns out, these are not simply beer haiku.
They’re a small archival record of how we, the geekiest of the beer geeks, were once taught to think about beer.
Seventeen syllables at a time.
Lagers
Light Lager
Pale and laid-back beers
Americans will guzzle
Crisp, yet tame on tongues
Pilsner
Czech and German born
Noble hops floral presence
Light, clear yellow beers
European Amber Lager
Orange and copper clear
Nose of German malt up front
Oktoberfest beer
Dark Lager
Deep amber to brown
Schwarzbier and Munich dunkel
Clean and smooth as silk
Bock
Malty amber brew
Mai to Doppel, liquid bread
Decoction mashing
Hybrid Beers
Light Hybrid Beer
Unique yellow beers
Kolsch and cream ale fit the bill
Low gravity styles
Amber Hybrid Beer
Often overlooked styles
German Altbier and Steam Beer
Assertive hop bite
Ales
English Pale Ale
Storied English ales
A family of bitters
Easy-drinking beers
Scottish & Irish Ale
Think in Shillings, lad
Colder climes less hops for brew
Quaffable, malty
American Ale
Hopped up traditions
Pale, amber, brown to the edge
Loud Americans
English Brown Ale
The proper brown beers
English hops, toffee, and toast
Polite and restrained
Porter
The working man’s beer
Father to stout, well-roasted
The Baltic is rich
Stout
Strong son of Porter
Think coffee and chocolate
Dark roasty beauties
India Pale Ale
A long boat ride east
Amber ales loaded with hops
West Coast, pine, citrus
German Wheat & Rye Beer
Bananas and cloves
Voluminous head from wheat
From rye, roggenbier
Belgian & French Ale
The yeast is the star
Black pepper and spice mingle
The monks brew fine ales
Sour Ale
Sharp and vinous beer
The wild yeast comes out to play
Gueuze blends, lambics
Belgian Strong Ale
Complex and malty
Brewed dubbel and tripel strong
The Trappists know best
Strong Ale
A chewy old ale
Big barleywines for sipping
With age, they mellow
Fruit Beer
A fruit-flavored beer
Blueberry, peach, and the like
Purists roll their eyes
Spice / Herb / Vegetable Beer
Nutmeg and pumpkin
Holiday ales most profuse
Chile pepper heat
