Over the 20 years from 1998 to 2018, I worked for seven companies across three states. My average tenure over that time? About 3 years. The longest I stayed at a single company was about 5 years.

I was a typical corporate American wage slave. Twenty years of cubicles, meetings, meetings that should have been emails, emails, trade shows, voicemails, business cards, frequent flier miles, hotel stays, office politics, small talk, unqualified bosses, overqualified co-workers, and average corporate bullshit.

But it wasn’t all bad.

I learned quite a bit during my time as a corporate America lackey. Let’s get to it.

What did I learn after 20 years in Corporate America?

1. All managers are political. What may seem like simple water-cooler banter is probably way more than you realize.
2. As a manager, you will be constantly judged on the performance of the people you manage.
3. Inefficiency breeds micromanagement. That’s on you, not your manager.
4. Your manager likes and dislikes you less than you think.
5. Your co-workers think about you much less than you think they do.

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

Michael Scott

6. You have no true friends or enemies in the office.
7. A salary is not an entitlement nor is it necessarily a reflection of contribution – it’s merely a business deal. Some people will be paid more than you think they should, and you’ll never make as much as you feel you deserve.
8. Don’t work for a company that doesn’t openly share your values. What’s the big deal if their social justice positions aren’t published on the company website? You might last a year or so, but eventually the inner friction will wear you down.
9. Cubicles are the epitome of bad office design. Other people annoy me when I’m trying to work. The best jobs I’ve ever had all had one thing in common – office doors. A company I worked for used cubicle farms exclusively, which led everyone to wear earbuds or headphones all day.
10. Being liked is more important than being a top performer. You’re liked, and you’re a company rockstar? Congratulations. The only place real assholes are tolerated because they excel at what they do is on TV. Thanks, House.

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

Douglas Adams

11. Most people don’t quit jobs; they quit managers. A solid boss at a small company always trumps a shitty boss at a large, multinational.
12. Additional responsibilities will gravitate to those who complain the least.
13. You will be expected to go “above and beyond,” and you will be rated Meets Expectations as a result. Exceeds expectations, and raises, are unicorns.
14. Put raises into perspective. A 3% raise is not a raise. Unless the raise will markedly improve your life in some way, it is merely a token designed to placate and silence you.
15. Respect the receptionist/office manager. They are generally more powerful and knowledgeable about the office politics than you realize.

“I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.”

Creed Bratton

16. Your boss is not your friend. Respect boundaries.
17. Don’t expect your company to treat you fairly or care for you as another human. Your relationship is a business deal, and both of you are free to end it at any time for any reason.
18. During the job interview, never mention health conditions or any special accommodations you may require as a result. It is not a legal obligation. This will negatively influence the hiring managers.
19. Human Resources is not on your side. The single most important job of the HR department is to protect the company. Nothing you say to HR stays with HR.
20. Everyone at the company is in sales. If you aren’t selling something, you’re an expense. Companies always look for ways to cut costs.

Stay tuned. There are many more like these.